What I Did on My Summer Vacation
Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 9:08PMThis weekend I spent about 3 hours alone in a doctor's office pondering my own mortality. Well, really, most of that 3 hours was spent pondering the unspeakable horror that is my skin tone in the cruel pall of flourescent lighting. But, my mortality, it was pondered.
See, I have been having this weird not-quite-dizzy-but-definitely-not-normal malaise for the past few weeks. A normal person would probably have done one of two things if confronted by this feeling: 1) beat feet to the doctor in order to rule out anything serious or 2) waved it off as just one of those things and gone about her business. I did neither. Work has been relentless for the last few weeks, so finding a way to accommodate the incomprehensible schedule my doctor keeps was out. And, because I am an inveterate hypochondriac, just waiving off this feeling—which is something akin to the feeling you get when you drop from a great height—was also decidedly out of the question. So, as is my habit, I chose the path of greatest resistance: persistent worry, with no hope for a logical, practical resolution. For two weeks, I called my situation "vertigo" and told everyone around me to chill out, while I silently contemplated my living will.
Finally, on Saturday, after no small amount of prodding, I dragged myself to the doctor (not my regular doctor, but a very nice urgent care place that takes my insurance). I hoped for something simple, like a clogged ear, but I feared something serious, like, say Ebola. Well, I didn't really fear Ebola, but the things I did fear all sound too embarrassing to admit now. Ebola is a lot less hysterical than what I had in mind.
The doctor was honest about the difficulty of pinning down the cause of my ailment. He wanted, instead, to rule out the really dangerous possibilities. So I peed in a cup. I had blood drawn. I had an EKG, a CT-scan, a carotid artery ultrasound. At some point, I authorized a bank draft in the amount of "First Born Child" to pay for all of these tests.
It was in between the CT-scan of my head and the ultrasound that I started to really freak out. On account of a slightly wonky central nervous system, I have spent a fair amount of time as an adult being poked and prodded. But there was something about that particular CT-scan that unharnessed the darkest recesses of my imagination. I could see the pictures of my brain on the computer in the nearest room. They did not look good to me. I know this will come as a shock to no one but me, but I am actually not qualified to determine whether pictures of my or any other brain "look good." And yet. My mind raced: I thought of my little boy. Of my husband. Of my clients. Of my fabric collections. Of my students.
When no one came racing down the hall after my CT-scan to whisk me to an oncologist, I started to calm down a bit. But my anxieties were quickly back at attention when, during the ultrasound of my carotid artery, the ultrasound tech kept making disapproving grunts and frowns each time she tried to find the pulse points in my neck. Clearly, I was minutes from a massive stroke. No? That wouldn't be your first assumption? Fine.
Once the prodding was through, the doctor bounded in to announce that I had the body of a 21-year-old. I would like to mount that statement as the caption underneath a framed photo of my maternal stretch marks, but I don't think that's what he was getting at. He said several incomprehensible sentences with "cochlear" as the key word and then confirmed the diagnosis I'd given myself 2 weeks ago: vertigo. He gave me a prescription for what is, apparently, just an over-the-top antihistamine that goes by the name Anti-Vert. With a name like Anti-Vert, I half expected it to come in an ACME box addressed to Wile E. Coyote. And while it's packaging was more pedestrian, it had a very Warner-Brothers-esque effect of dropping me off a cliff of dizzy exhaustion into 10 hours of sleep.
So here I am, a day later, still vaguely drowsy and vaguely dizzy. But it wasn't until I looked at my calendar and saw my 35th birthday looming at me in two weeks that I realized that this has all been just a baroque setup for my mid-life crisis. No fast cars, no bad dye jobs, no plastic surgery. Just a few hours in a hospital robe contemplating my mortality while reading US Weekly.
So, now, on the other side of my mini-mid-life crisis, I'm happy to say that I have never been more fond of my mortal coil. My life is totally nuts. In any given day, I may shuttle from dissertations on proper Lego construction at home; to shocking stories of poverty and violence at work; to teaching the proper format for citing Law Review articles at school; to drawing sea monsters and pirate ships for my fabric designs; to planning what to make for dinner from two withered carrots, a box of israeli couscous, and an old carton of yogurt; to writing stories for this blog. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
So...what did you do this weekend?
Reader Comments (12)
Hey, I have vertigo too! Did the doc tell you it's very common in women? And don't you feel MUCH better knowing you're not going to pass out on the sidewalk/have an aneurysm/generally die on the spot?
I get that at certain times, too - something something eustachian tube dysfunction. But it leads to all sorts of dark thoughts and darker places, so you're definitely not alone there. When you're so worried your limbs start tingling...
Glad you are on the mend!
I'm glad you set the comical tone early so I knew I wasn't walking into something terrible. The body of 21 year old - not too shabby to hear before your 35th bday - even if it refers to your innards! Maybe you need to get that more publicly declared, a t-shirt? "35 on the outside but only 21 where it counts baby."
The first time I had this weird illness Mama and Archie Junior had to come for me. I was certain I was going mad. Antivert is indeed the ticket until you feel better. A talented pharmacist told me not to worry about running out of my Antivert prescription. He said just take double the OTC Dramamine and I would get the same relaxed sleepy result. It's better than having the bed spin and thinking that Mr. D. is coming for you.
Hope your vertigo leaves as quickly as it showed up!
I am quickly coming up on my 40th BD (in less than 2 weeks) and to be honest that doesn't freak me out as much as the fact that my parents and all my siblings are going to be in town to help me celebrate it :)
I know that my anxiety issue will try to take advantage of the situation but dang it I am not going to let it! :)
so there dang anxiety :P
My dad gets horrible vertigo. The 1st time it happened he was driving a truck with a 25 foot gooseneck trailer on the back. I had to pick him up at a truck stop at 3 am. I seriously thought he was having a stroke. So scary! Hope everything is getting better for you.
His doctor told him to roll down the hill {like a little kid} as a last resort to fixing it lol.
So strange! And I'm so glad you're OK because your post had me laughing at several points. I, too, had random vertigo not too long ago and the doctor mentioned I might want to have my eyes checked. Sure enough, my eyesight had changed enough to give me dizzy spells. Once my contact lens prescription was updated, I was right as rain. So strange, the things our bodies do...
Hmmm, maybe the eye change is a possibility. I think the t-shirt printable would be a great idea. p-mom
Oh dear Cam, you made me laugh and laugh and laugh. 35 sounds divine to me...."oh give it me" she said. Please don't fret; enjoy where you are: beautiful little boy, wonderful hubby, challenging work, yards of fabric yet to be designed. What a gift you have for words. Let worry go stand on another corner. Skip and run down the streets you are given today. Love you gal, Rene
Oh honey. You're talking my language. Literally. I have (was having! as I just noticed not too long ago that my ailment had all but vanished after being with me for over a year- yes... a YEAR...) a weird "water in my ear" sound and fairly severe sinus headaches. When I finally (yes, after a YEAR) decided to face my mortality- what else could it be?- I had nearly the same exact situation you described above. However, no one was kind enough to tell me I had the body of a 21 year... or even a 41 year old for that matter. Basically, they ruled out anything serious, and the most the doctor could tell me about my condition is "it happens".
Well thanks!
I faced the potential doom of cancer, tumor, stroke, blog clot, parasites and unhealthy daydreams about encountering a real life Dr. House for "it happens"? OK, then... you're the boss, I guess it does. So what you're saying, though, is whatever I have is not likely to kill me, right? Right.
So I went about my business with a lightness I hadn't felt in over a year... yes... a YEAR. Then one day, just recently... after weeks of self-massaging my scalp and brows in the evening during TV time... that my "noise" vanished (to be honest, I think it happened when I went on vacation!). See at some point in all my testing, a hearing test technician intimated that I might just be suffering from something like "tension"... which of course, I had to take as plausible, because if there's one truth about me, is that I have tension. Another fact is I have a vivid imagination. And yet another thing about me is I need facts. I now know I have no tumors or cancer or parasites (so they say) and I am feeling more relaxed about my situation.. which immediately makes me just a teensy bit less tense... Knowledge is bliss? Not quite. But It sure allays my Fears. And that's something I can live with more peacefully. (Course, now I have tension headaches from the bills, but that's par for the course).
So, hopefully one day, you will find your malady just simply... vanishes... Until then, I hope you find a way to forget about it - or accept it as "life"... or what I'm really trying to say is that I hope you just feel better!
Oh dear. I'm glad you have a sense of humor about it! Vertigo is not pretty, and can be much worse. My mom had vertigo one time that was so bad I had to help her just get to the sink to brush her teeth. And then she insisted that I'd given her my dad's toothbrush. Was pretty sad. Lol.
Anyways, feel better soon! And take care!
I had veritgo several years ago -- it was caused by a virus in my inner ear - since it was a virus all I could do was take anti-vert and wait it out. Dr. said it would be gone in 3 - 4 weeks, and after feeling dizzy on and off for for 3-4 weeks I woke up one day and it was gone, just like that.
However, I find I was left with a very funny/odd - residual effect -- I am fine all the time, but if I watch t.v. or go to the movies and there is an aerial view of something I feel like I have had one too many glasses of champagne! As soon as the scene is over I feel fine - I now just close my eyes at the special effects!
You will feel better soon - I am sure of it --